How to Create Indie Film Titles

by Brian on July 3, 2009

in Family, Film, Misc, NBA, WSM?

1469933056_ee7ec60026_o(Joe, you win the free copy of Prelude to a Super Airplane from the other day for your awesome picture shown to the right.

Shoot me your address and I’ll get it out to you Mon or Tues. Thanks again for the pic – it made me do laughing.)

I’ll admit it – I’ve been sitting on this post for awhile. Perhaps to publish on a day when it’s an almost-holiday, or my mind is just tired from surgery, and jokes/thoughts (Nay, and as such, “joughts”. Tempest.) are not free-flowing.

Anyway, the following are things one of my toddler-aged nieces said. These were spouted right in a row, in about a minute and a half, and they’d all make great titles for deep and/or quirky independent films.

There Is A Ball in the Car
I’m Swording Myself
Fishing Pole Okay
Mickey Doesn’t Want to Wear a Shirt
Throwing In the Secret Garden
Doors Close Forever
I Did It With My Bat
You Know What a Bat is For
Take Home the Ball
It is Not Tired
Here’s My Socks and Shoes
Let’s Look Out the Window
Take Me Outside First

Any joughts?

You have any good indie film titles you can throw back at me?

(Follow me on Twitter here, and befriend Calvin Stadiums on Facebook – I figured out how to use his page. Those of you who miss NBA Photoshops will be pleased.)

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ORANGE ROUNDIE(WHO SHOT MAMBA? is a full-length feature film I’m heavily involved with – click here for more info on this site, and here for the IMDB page.)

So WSM? is coming online in the fall – 9/15 to be exact…unless that gets bumped to 10/13, which I’m hoping it does. In either case, it’ll be split (very organically, because it was made to be) into 12 parts.

The company we’ve licensed it to will be doing all their various promo and press stuff, but I want to do everything I can to help. As you can well-on guess, social networking will play a big part in that.

Anyway, I’m gonna lay out my plan as I see it today – the things I’ll be spending time on to build a large network/platform. Then we have all kinds of fun things happen over the course of the run that generates talk, links, etc – ultimately leading people to the film.

What’s outlined below is the construction of said network.

[Would you like to read more...?]

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Pitchers of Soup

by Brian on June 30, 2009

in Doctors, Drugs, Health, Super Airplane

I’m actually really wiped out from this surgery and probably overdid it yesterday, so I’ma take it easy today. My brain is kinda dead…no jokes or thoughts are happening. I also have to go back to the doctor for inspection.

Super AirplaneI was gonna write up my idea for a water-park style playland that’s made of dirt, but I just don’t have it in me. For now, enjoy this picture from Reid Gershbein, aka @thraveboy – he made the film “Here. My Explosion…” that I looked at back here.

That’s the happiest picture on Earf!

While I’m resting, can you tell me the happiest picture you’ve ever take in your life? If you’re more of a miserable sort, how about the saddest picture you’ve ever taken?

Link to either if you can – I’ll send my favorite a free copy of Prelude to a Super Airplane – I just got a shipment, so I’m sitting on a bunch.

(You can follow Inflatable Ben from WSM? right here on Twitter – I think he’ll be out hunting booty babes in his own smooth fashion.)

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Post-Op

by Brian on June 29, 2009

in Health, Misc, WSM?

Lost Jacob Season 6So I lived through my surgery, and of most fixation, my nose is straight for the first time since mid-2002.

If there’s a WSM? sequel, it’s gonna be my Mark Hamill moment.

The whole thing was pretty fun, and the sheer joy I felt at checking out from the world to the sweet embrace of anesthesia was amazing.

My face is swollen, but I’m off the painkillers and have a working brain again. I’ve had surgery twice in my life, and both times, as I’m laying down on the operating table, I’ve started laughing. It’s for no particular reason – I’m not like thinking about anything specific.

There’s just something about the whole casual nature of it that gets me. Like, “Okay, just lay down there, and we’re gonna knock you unconscious and cut you open with some of these sanitized knives.”

Both times the doctor has asked what I was laughing at, and both times I’ve just kinda shook my head, and been like, “Nothing – let’s do some operating.”

When was the last time you had surgery? Funny? No? Yes?

(Follow the Orange Roundie on Twitter here. That’s right.)

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Shaq CavsUPDATE: I’m in surgery Friday morning, so there will likely be no post. While I’m gone, please give me your best @jerryricetwo impression about anything.

(My Shaq-to-Cavs thoughts are the first comment.)

My favorite person on Twitter, @jerryricetwo, went and saw Transformers 2 what seems to be at least 14 times yesterday, and I’ve reprinted some of his his Tweets/thoughts here.

@anguaa I BEEN AT GOBOTS 2 ALL DAY!!! LOL!!! mah tummy hurt from all dese popcorns

SHIA GO TO BOOTY COLLEGE!! LOL!!! DAT BOOTY GOBOT DOPE!!!! wanna do kissin on dat gobot

THEM GHETTO GOBOTS TRANFORM INTO BABY DADDIES?!?! WHAAAAAAAAATTT???? goin see dis again

@CraigSharp GOBOTS 2 DA BOMB!!!! LOL!!! word up bro

@cjrider HEY BRO WHERE DAT DELETED SCENE WHERE GHETTO BOTS PLAY HOOPS?!?! LOL!!! on blueray word up

@trilby_dare YO YOU WANT TO GO ON DAT KISSING DATE WIT ME

LOL!!!! brb

DEM GHETTO-BOTS DA BOOOOOMB!!! DONT GIVE DEM NO BOOKS!!! LOL!!!

KING KONG AINT GOT NOTHIN ON OPTIMUS!!!! LOL!!!! go shia get dat booty babe omg lookit DAT BOOTY smh

@cascandar YO YOU WANT TO GO ON A ICE CREAM DATE WIT ME

OMG NOW SHIA AND BOOTY BABE IN TROUBLE – GOBOTS IS MAAAAAD!!!! move yo bootys!!!! LOL!!! best movie

NOW MORE GOBOTS?!?!? LIKE FIDDY GOBOTS IN DIS MOVIE!!!!! LOL!!! denzel lovin it too

@cascandar GIMME DAT SLUSHIE IN A CUP!!! LOL!!!

SHIA LOOK OUT LOL!!!!! omg more gobots comin?????? LOL!!!!!

@19jms CHAD AINT GOT NOTHIN ON SHIA AND DEM GOBOTS!!! dis da best movie wtf

@alexiskn GIRL DIS MOVIE SOO GOOD!!! ALL DEM GOBOTS GOIN CRAZY ON DIS BOOTY BABE!!!! LOL!!! goin get mo popcorns brb

SHIA LIKE DAAAAM GOBOTS I GOIN TO CLASS NOW STEP OFF!! LOL!!! so good

@DrewGooden YO WHERE DAT MOHAWK GO??!? GIMME BACK MAH CELLY!!! missin yo birfday

I like everything he says here, although I have no idea if I agree with any of it with regard to the movie. There were lots of attractive girls at Shia’s college – that’s like so true.

Did you see Transformers 2? What do you think about Shaq-to-Cavs? Would you go on an “ice cream date” with me if asked?

(Do a nice thing for yourself and check out the first 55 pages of my book, Prelude to a Super Airplane for free by clicking here. WORD UP.)
(Follow me on Twitter here.)

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PTSA Inquiries

by Brian on June 24, 2009

in Airplanes, Books, Readers, Super Airplane

super-airplaneFormer contributor to my old website (which has finally been restored/overhauled into its final “death” format) Jordi Scrubbings emailed with some troubling questions regarding elements of my first book, Prelude to a Super Airplane.

I’m reading your book. 2 questions:

1) The VP was 108 years old in 2012. That would mean he was born after January the year AFTER the first airplane flight. Do you explain why he is not 109 years old? Or do you not think of old airplanes?

2) Where is the best place to read the final 100 pages? I was thinking in an airplane terminal sitting next to a 25 yr old brunette female model singer person. Any other recommendations?

I’ma tackle the second question first, because it’s easier – you need internet access to fully experience the final 100 pages, because therein is when you’re instructed to turn on the soundtrack. Without the musical backing, a certain sequence won’t be nearly as tumultuous as it needs to be.

That said, reading PTSA inside an actual airplane station is a huge positive – there’s nothing like the viral, tempest-laden joy one absorbs seeing the various airplane riders about to take their respective airplane rides.

That, or maybe read it in the locker room at the gym.

As to the first question, this is just a massive mistake, and perhaps somewhere in the future I can write Prelude to a Ye Olde Tyme Airplane, wherein I can clean up continuity, while also telling the Wright Brothers story through my own olde tyme eyes. I’m disappointed I didn’t think to connect Stanley Naiboir’s birth with the first airplane ride, considering how much tying together of other stuff there is.

Sorry if you were looking for more shirtless discussion today, but one simply can’t unload that type of emotional internal-external conflict two days in a row. In any case – I love hearing feedback on the book, especially the kind like this, wherein it seems like the person is actually reading it.

Here is Jordi’s website and Jordi’s Twitter.

Oh, and I asked this yesterday but nobody answered – DO YOU USE GMAIL???

(Do a tempest and check out the first 55 pages of Prelude to a Super Airplane for free by clicking here. It’s also available in paperback, or on iPhone/Kindle for only 1.99.)
(Follow me on Twitter here.)

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Shirtless Pictures

by Brian on June 23, 2009

in Girls, LeBron James, Misc, Twitter, WSM?

LeBron James no shirtBecause of all this social networking, I’m having long-distance, non-consummated relationships with somewhere between six or fourteen or thirty-seven girls.

A few of these have gotten pretty serious, having gone so far as to include phone calls and going, “mmmmm-mmmmm…we’re kissing mmmmm…” into the phone.

This happens before and after the calls, but not during them. Sometimes there aren’t even phone calls at all, but still fake kissing sounds, and we text each other so we both know that it’s happening.

Anyway, one of these girls crossed the line yesterday, asking me not once, but several times, to send her pictures of myself without a shirt on. (I know she’s reading this, so like I guess this is my official response.)

Now look, I’m always game for something that might be deemed odd or hilarious, but for her this wasn’t a joke – she really wanted them, and she wouldn’t let it go.

I was just like, “No, c’mon, that’s messed up. Who does that? Don’t wreck our strange and semi-fake relationship.” Seriously though – she wouldn’t stop asking, and I finally just hung up, and then sat in the car, wondering what had gone wrong, and who I was inside, and doing long division. I slammed my hands on the steering wheel because of a stray remainder.

It was a 4.

I asked these things because I wanted to know the answers, and I ultimately decided I’m simply not a guy who feels comfortable emailing shirtless pics of himself to hot internet babe non-girlfriends.

NO MATTER WHAT.

Have you ever emailed shirtless pics of me to someone? Or maybe you emailed them to yourself from an alternate account? Have you gotten shirtless pics of anyone from someone you only know on the internet? Or maybe pics with shirts on, and you know the person in real life, and you don’t have their email address, but plan to get it maybe in a few weeks?

Do you use gmail?

Just post links to every picture you’ve ever emailed or received via email.

(Connect with me on Twitter here.)

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30 Years of Home Depot

by Brian on June 22, 2009

in Liking Things, Retail Stores

Home Depot BucketWell…today is the 30th anniversary of Home Depot and I think you know that means I want to talk about Home Depot and maybe go to Home Depot and when I get there I will say HAPPY BIRFDAY to everyone in the whole store and they will know how happy I am for them and even though they haven’t worked there since the start of Home Depot I will make them feel like they’re a real part of the team and that’s good for morale and even though I don’t work there or have anything to do with them other than the time I bought some lumber and a hammer and then had to go back and buy nails to complete the project I feel a great affection for the company because we used some of their ICONIC orange buckets as background props in the dead snake movie that starts running on 9/15 and also other orange stuff that we bought at the 99 cent store and man oh man there’s another thriving company selling everything for 99 cents but not as thriving as Home Depot because thirty years is a long time to be selling plants and hammers and lumber and drills and sinks and sod and whatever else they sell maybe light bulbs (sp?) but they only started selling those like ten years ago so the glass-light-givers will be shunned by me when I go in to do my big HAPPY BIRFDAY Home Depot parade that I’ll have and maybe I’ll try to drive my Japanese brand SUV right through the front door as a type of symbolism for Pearl Harbor.

I missed you guys after all the Saved By the Bell Begins action last week. Tell me about the last time you were in Home Depot. Or Lowe’s – that’s fine, also.

(Follow me on Twitter here.)
(Read the first 55-pages of my book, Prelude to a Super Airplane, for free right here. It’s a PDF!)

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Rod Belding(This is it – the conclusion to my big budget, theatrical Saved By the Bell reboot movie. Links to the Intro, Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.)

Zack is inspired for sure now, and decides to get serious and organize a Zack Attack. He has to hurry, because Keanu has pushed the button, and the bronchitis is making its way through the tunnels to Bayside City, and it’s going to come out of all the nuclear oil wells right during the the Miss Bayside City Pageant, which is happening at halftime of the Valley City-Bayside City Professional Football Bowl, sponsored by Buddy Bands.

Just to make sure nobody tries any tricks, Keanu also has tied all Zack’s friends to different nuclear oil rigs throughout Bayside City, and if any of them are untied from the oil rigs, then the nuclear oil will destroy everything in the United States that Keanu doesn’t like, and that’s like a lot of things, and that’s what Keanu tells Zack in his video blog dot com email.

Zack is like all hardcore about having lots of guns strapped to him, and uses his jet-ski to sneak down the Bayside City Canal and get Screech free, who then uses his nerd tricks on the computer to get Kelly free, and then Slater gets Jessie free, and he calls her “Momma,” and that’s so the people watching the movie can have tingles about their nostalgia again.

Now the gang is back together, but while they were busy getting free, the bronchitis got everywhere, and now everyone in Bayside City is coughing really hard, and the stores are out of Dayquil, so everyone is overdosing on Nyquil, and the news people remind everyone that if you fall asleep with bronchitis you can die. Keanu is on top of the main nuclear oil rig taking bids on the land from the Portuguese gangs, and everything is on fire because he’s smoking a big cigar so close to the nuclear oil.

That’s when Zack gets everyone together and says that only by working together can they stop Keanu, and they all do like a jumping group-high-five, and then get to work climbing up the nuclear oil rigs around Keanu’s oil rig, and then like jumping from their rig to his, and Keanu sees this happening, so like he’s always making their rigs have a nuclear explosion right as they jump off.

That’s really real, but the heroes are serious about just how Zack this Attack really is, and they knock Keanu’s rig down to the middle of the football stadium, which is now filling up with nuclear oil, and Zack is even more mad because a goose died when it got nuclear oil on its feathers and lungs, and that’s when he stands up like a man and rips the last shreds of his tattered Bayside High t-shirt off, and even Slater is like, “Whoa, Preppie – what are you doing??” and Zack looks at him like Bruce Willis and says, “For once…the right thing,” and it’s the most intense thing anyone has ever said ever in a movie.

There’s a big fight in the middle of the pageant between Zack and Keanu, and the good guys win when they use their friendship strategies to drop the Bayside City History Tradition Bell on Keanu just in time, and Zack calls in a favor with Johnny Dakota to get more Dayquil, and like it’s clear that there are gonna be more adventures and that’s THE END.

During the credits is when Jay-Z does his modern and legit hip-hopping version of the original Saved by the Bell theme, and it’s close enough to the old one that everyone watching cries, because they’re also showing black-and-white still photos from the TV show along with the names of the people who made the movie.

At the end of the credits, there’s a trail of oil footprints that lead into the Oval Office, and you can hear Keanu muttering, “Let’s see you save THIS by the bell, Morris…” and that’s an ominous meme for the next movie, The Bayside Knight.

Part One
Part Two
Part Three
Part Four

(That’s it – I think I might actually make some calls on this. Follow me on Twitter here. Read my Perfect Strangers Begins summary right here – it’s Bruce Willis as Cousin Larry, and Antonio Banderas as Balki.)

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Microblogging vs Blogging vs Talking

by Brian on June 18, 2009

in Blogs, Twitter

I need to interrupt all this Saved by the Bell Begins action to explain some tips (as I see them) about the All-New Internet. Some may think these are just pet peeves, but they’re more (as I see it) the best way to get your point/information across.

1) If you have a single thought that can be expressed in 140 characters or less, do it on Twitter. Don’t extend a simple, concise thought into 500 redundant words just so you can put it on your blog.

2) If you have a legit 500-word thought on something, go ahead and write that on your blog – don’t split it up into 20+ separate Tweets. Nobody reads the whole thing, and those same people aren’t glued to your profile page, and if they are, it’s still a pain to read it backward, or down-up, or however that would be. (You can always link to your blog post on your Twitter.)

3) If you want to have a pre-planned extended back and forth conversation with someone, do this on the phone or IM, or even go see them in person, and then try and make-out with them afterward. I saw someone conduct an interview over Twitter once, and it was really just like a big WTF. It came off as a miscalculated gimmick, and was impossible to follow, and the only way this can feasibly work is if you’re a petite brunette who’s under the age of 25, with a cutesy pop/rock singing voice.

You can’t do an interview via Twitter – it’s like punching someone in the wall of their house. (That’s like if you wanted to punch someone, and you punched the wall of their house, and expected it to hurt them on their body. That doesn’t equal anything – it’s an equation for sadness.)

That be all – back to jokes tomorrow.

(I’m right here on Twitter.)

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